Aris Fioretos, in a deeply personal and reflective piece, explores the intricate and often fraught relationship between body and self, using the motif of hunger and its various manifestations to trace a journey of self-discovery and eventual healing. The narrative begins with a visceral childhood memory: a six-year-old boy, the author in his youth, sits at the dinner table, rebelling against the unfamiliar and unwanted food of his father’s exiled homeland. The dish, a seemingly innocuous combination of meat, noodles, and tomato sauce, becomes a symbol of his father’s absence and the alien culture he represents. This seemingly simple act of defiance, a refusal to eat, is the first manifestation of a growing disconnect between the boy and his physical self, a disconnect that will continue to evolve and intensify throughout his life.
The boy’s rejection of the food extends beyond mere distaste; it becomes a symbolic rejection of his father’s heritage, a heritage that feels distant, foreign, and tinged with a sense of vulnerability. His fascination with his navel, a unique physical characteristic that sets him apart from his siblings, becomes a metaphor for an inward escape, a desire to disappear within himself, away from the complexities and pressures of the external world. This yearning for oblivion, represented by the imagined plunge into the depths of his navel, foreshadows the future struggles with his body image and the desperate measures he will take to control it. The navel, a physical reminder of his connection to his father, the surgeon who did not perform the procedure, further complicates this fraught relationship.
Years later, as a twelve-year-old on a beach in his father’s homeland, the boy observes his younger brother’s effortless physicality, further fueling his own sense of inadequacy and a growing preoccupation with his body. The brother’s display of athleticism, specifically the act of cartwheeling, highlights the boy’s own physical limitations and reinforces his perception of his body as something to be controlled and mastered rather than celebrated. The observation of his brother’s taut muscles during the cartwheel, with the navel as the central point, underscores the burgeoning awareness of the body’s centrality in self-perception and interaction with the world.
As the boy transitions into young adulthood, his earlier discomfort with food morphs into a full-blown obsession with controlling his caloric intake. Driven by a desire for autonomy and a rejection of familial and societal expectations, he embarks on a journey of “deterritorialization,” seeking to detach himself from any perceived constraints and define his own identity. The pursuit of this ideal of a ”blank slate” existence becomes inextricably linked to his relationship with food, which now represents not only a source of sustenance but a battleground for control and self-definition. This obsession manifests first as a restrictive eating pattern, bordering on anorexia, and later as bulimia, a vicious cycle of bingeing and purging.
This struggle with food intensifies during a transformative period spent in Southern Europe. Following several unsettling events – a snowstorm, an earthquake, and a strange red rain – he interprets these as omens and returns north, his body significantly thinner. He becomes acutely aware of his weight loss, meticulously tracking it on public scales during his travels. This compulsive monitoring of his weight reinforces his growing obsession with control and self-erasure. He identifies himself as an ”abolisher,” striving to eradicate his physical presence, a disturbing reflection of his emotional state. This obsession becomes so consuming that it dictates his daily routine and social interactions, isolating him further from the world around him.
The years that follow are marked by a debilitating cycle of bulimia, a secret shame he hides from those around him. He develops elaborate strategies to conceal his behavior, maintaining a facade of normalcy while battling a consuming internal struggle. Despite the financial and emotional toll of his illness, he avoids confronting the true nature of his suffering, unable to articulate the pain and shame he feels. The physical manifestations of his illness, including the telltale sores on his knuckles, become symbolic of his self-inflicted suffering. These “tomato-like” marks serve as a constant reminder of his struggle, a visible manifestation of the hidden turmoil within.
The turning point arrives with a seemingly small but profoundly significant gesture. One of his roommates, herself likely grappling with similar issues, observes his telltale hand sores. Her silent acknowledgment, a shared look of understanding, finally breaks through the wall of denial and shame. This unspoken recognition becomes a catalyst for change, the beginning of a slow and arduous journey toward recovery. It is this moment of shared vulnerability, the silent acknowledgement of a shared struggle, that allows him to begin confronting his illness and ultimately reclaim his life. He learns to speak about his hunger, both literally and metaphorically, finally acknowledging the deep-seated emotional and psychological roots of his disorder and embarking on a path towards healing and self-acceptance.
